


Easier

by theskylarshippers (coyotestoryteller)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, F/M, M/M, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25147684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coyotestoryteller/pseuds/theskylarshippers
Summary: For a few seconds, neither of them move. He breaks the silence, stifling a chuckle.“You’re in love with him, aren’t you.”
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Angelica Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 23
Kudos: 195





	Easier

**Author's Note:**

  * For [j_ack](https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_ack/gifts).



> This is a birthday gift for my lovely friend. Hi, Lizzy, you're a great person, please don't hate me for this angst (although you deserve it after what you put me through).

Angelica has always been good at keeping her composure in the face of absolutely anything. It’s a skill she’s honed over the years of balls and parties and dinners, and now, at her dear sister’s wedding to the man she wishes she could have had, it serves her very well indeed. She doesn’t let tears slip when she gives their wedding toast, and now, at the party afterwards, she stands on the sidelines, observing the festivities from the lofty position of an untouchable queen.

Eliza is dancing with her new husband. Her exuberant joy shows on her face, and she steps so lightly Angelica fears she will float away. In Alexander’s arms, she looks every inch the angel she is.

Angelica can hardly bear to look at the groom. Earlier on in the evening, she had caught a glimpse of him, laughing with two of his friends-- the Frenchman and the tailor, whose names she had struggled to recall. It didn’t surprise her that she was unable to remember, faced with Alexander’s stunning grin, his eyes alight with laughter. She had been forced to turn away to save her sanity.

From where she stands on the edge of the ballroom, she sneaks glances at him and sees the soft smiles he gives to his bride. Her heart twinges with jealousy, and she wrenches her gaze back to her sister, but somehow in the last few hours of bearing witness to Eliza’s euphoria, she’s lost the ability to be happy for her.

She looks around the crowded ballroom, recognizing most of the people there, but unable to call their names to mind. She spots two of Alexander’s close friends-- Lafayette and Mulligan, those were the names, it took long enough for her to remember. They’re drinking, which doesn’t surprising her, and laughing loudly, which surprises her even less. She wonders idly where the third one is-- John Laurens, if she’s remembering correctly, the one with wildly curly hair and freckles splattered over his face like splotches of spilled ink. It’s odd that he’s not with them; the four of them are inseparable, except when Alexander is distracted by his Eliza.

The song ends, and the happy couple whirl their way off the dance floor towards Lafayette and Mulligan. At this distance, Angelica can’t hear what any of them are saying, but from Alexander’s bold-faced grin, the smirk on Mulligan’s face (she can’t see Lafayette’s expression, but she imagines he sports an identical smile) and Eliza’s fiery blush, she can guess that Alexander’s friends are taking the opportunity to tease him mercilessly. If that’s the case, it’s even stranger that Laurens isn’t there. She doesn’t take him for the kind of man to pass up the opportunity to mock a newly-married friend.

Across the room, Eliza is hanging on Alexander’s arm, leaning into him, which she has every right to do. All four of them are laughing now, and Angelica sees Alexander smile at Eliza as if she is the only bright thing in the world. When she stops to consider it, she concludes that of  _ course _ he smiles at her with the light of a thousand candles and the warmth of a thousand suns. Eliza is nothing but sweetness, and she deserves his unwavering love. It’s impossible to debate or deny.

Angelica only wishes that she could have loved another man, that every smile and every touch Alexander shared with Eliza didn’t make her ache with jealousy.

She turns away from the dance floor, skirts rustling as she sweeps through the chattering crowd with her head held high. She needs another drink if she’s going to get through the rest of tonight without her composure and her heart cracking in half.

When she steps away from the tables, a flute of champagne in hand, she begins searching for a quiet space to sip it in. She is not interested in chattering with the guests; in fact, she worries she’ll lose her mind if she has to make conversation to one more of her father’s friends. 

The nearest corner is already occupied by a man, who is leaning against the wall, sipping a glass of wine. Angelica can’t identify him, since his face is turned away from her. She wonders what he’s doing there and decides to approach him. 

When Angelica stops walking and leans against the wall, about two feet away from the man, he turns to face her, and she recognizes him suddenly. “John Laurens,” she says aloud. “What are you doing in the corner on the night of your best friend’s wedding?”

He smiles thinly and takes a sip of wine before answering. “Angelica Schuyler. I might ask you the same question. What are you doing in the corner of the ballroom on the night of your sister’s wedding?”

She doesn’t intend to answer truthfully, but something’s loosened her tongue; maybe it’s the lonely look in his narrowed eyes, or his rigid composure that suggests emotion below the surface, or maybe it’s just the champagne.

“I am, in truth, avoiding Alexander. And you?”

“I am standing here for similar reasons as yourself, Miss Schuyler. You might have guessed I am avoiding  _ someone,  _ standing in the shadows at a party, but I won’t make you guess who. I would rather not speak to our lucky, lucky groom on the  _ happiest  _ day of his life.”

Angelica’s slightly taken aback by the bite in his tone of voice. “Why are you avoiding him?”

Laurens downs the rest of his glass. “I’m not drunk enough or stupid enough to answer that question truthfully. Why are  _ you  _ avoiding him?”

She frowns, considering whether she should trust him with her secret. Telling him the truth might allow her to gain his trust, but there is no reason for her to believe he will keep secret anything she tells him in confidence.

Laurens watches her, twirling his glass idly between his fingers, the curious expression on his face tinged with melancholy. Angelica finally speaks.

“I do not wish to see Alexander tonight. For my own personal reasons, which are of-- no concern to one such as yourself.”

For a few seconds, neither of them move. He breaks the silence, stifling a chuckle.

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you.”

Her grip on her champagne flute tightens.  _ How can he  _ tell _?  _ She can’t hide it, now that he’s guessed; she knows her shocked expression reveals everything. Somehow he can see through all her walls and shields and peer into her heart, and in only a few words, Laurens has cracked her composure as well. She opens her mouth, but she’s as unable to speak as if he’s stolen her tongue.

He gives her a rueful smile. “It stings, doesn’t it?”

She still can’t muster the mental strength to reply, but she takes a step closer to him. He lifts his glass to his mouth as if to take another sip, but stops, evidently realizing it’s empty. When he speaks again, it’s in a lower voice.

“It hurts your soul, to see someone you love so happy with someone who’s not you. It’s hard to know that a person who means so much to you doesn’t need you.”

Angelica takes a breath and loosens her grip on her glass. “It is. It does sting. You speak as if from experience.”

Laurens nods and points to her champagne flute. “Have a drink. It makes it easier.”

She gives him a little smile and sips her drink delicately, then tilts her head back and downs the rest of it in one gulp. She can tell from his expression that she’s managed to surprise him. 

“Easier, yes? Have you ever managed to make it effortless?”

He shakes his head. “I’ll endeavor to find out. Accompany me?”

She holds her free hand out to him. “It would be my pleasure.”

They make their way back to the tables groaning with food, champagne, and wine. Laurens refills his glass, while Angelica selects a long-stemmed wineglass and fills it to the brim. She’s careful not to let any of it spill; it’s a skill that comes easy to her, these days. Laurens-- John?-- takes her hand and leads her back to the corner where he’d been standing before. His eyes linger on her face, and she senses he’s expecting her to speak.

“So, now that we are a bit better acquainted, and you have guessed my secret, might you enlighten me as to why you are avoiding your friend?”

His expression darkens, and he grabs her wrist, pulling her along as he steps deeper into the shadows. “Only if you swear never to breathe a word of it to any living soul,” he says in a voice barely above a whisper.

She nods. She wants too badly to know his secrets to do anything else, and of course she’d never tell them. She has honor.

Laurens takes a sip of his wine. “I-- he was mine. I’m in love with him.” 

Her shock registers on her face. He bites his lip. “I know what you’re thinking. I’ve heard it all before. I’ll burn for these sins of mine, if I’m not hung first. I know it. You don’t need to say it.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything. Do continue.”

“We were-- or are, he claims his dear Eliza has nothing to do with me, but I find it hard to believe-- lovers. And now he is married-- I suppose I cannot criticise him, since I am married as well, but it is different.”

“You have a wife?”

  
“She still lives in England, with our-- my daughter. All of it was a mistake. I had to marry her when she became pregnant with my child. I do not-- I never loved her. But Eliza-- he loves her. I do not truly believe he still has room for me, and even if he did, I could never have truly had him. Whatever we have will always be a secret.”

Angelica puts her hand on his shoulder. “I am sorry. It seems to me that having him like that would be worse than never having him at all.”

He gives her another bitter smile. “It’s certainly harder. I try to forget.”

Taking a sip, she looks at him over the rim of her wineglass. “I’ll write to you later on, about all of this, but for now, for the rest of tonight, let’s forget.”

“I like that plan.” He raises his glass.

She clinks her own against it. “A toast to making it easier.”

“To making it easier,” he agrees.

At exactly the same time, the two of them lean back and down the contents of their glasses, then look back at each other. Angelica smiles at him tentatively; his expression mirrors hers. 

He offers her his arm; when she takes it, he leads her to a table and sets down his glass. “May I have this dance, Miss Schuyler?”

“Angelica, please.”

“Angelica then. Might you grant me the pleasure of a dance between friends?”

“Of course, Mister Laurens.”

“John, please.” He laughs a little, a genuine laugh, and Angelica is proud to have been the one to lift his spirits, if only for a moment. 

“John. I would love to dance with you.”

John’s a good dancer, and Angelica has practiced since she was young; the two of them whirl around the ballroom, attempting more and more difficult steps and executing all of them. They do stop eventually, to catch their breath and have a few more drinks, but then get back to dancing as soon as they can.

  
By the end of the night, John’s slurring his words, and he’s only able to perform the simpler steps, but Angelica still enjoys his company. When they dance past Alexander and Eliza, it still stings her heart like alcohol poured in a wound, and she can tell it pains John as well. However, she can’t deny that with drinking and dancing, and another person who  _ understands _ her, it certainly is easier.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed it (or if you hate me now).


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